On The Way Home

Today is a very special day for a very special "cute elyen" It's her "12th" birthday. According to her. LOL! Sooooo, I went to Manila to meet up with friends. Na-late ako. Sorry naman >.<

We went to St. Pio first to pray. Yeah. Mabait kami eh. Hihihihi. So un nga nagpunta kami sa St. Pio, and after we prayed, and talked to Him, when we were already leaving the place Ate Nikka (the birthday girl) asked me, "Anong pakiramdam mo, Majh? Nag-iba ba pakiramdam mo? Kasi kami tuwing pumupunta kami dito nakakaramdam kami ng peace." And marami pa siyang sinabi pero ayan na ung thought. Medyo. Ata. Nakalimutan ko eh. Basta un na un. I answered: "Okay lang." Ang tipid ko sumagot kasi, well, pinapakiramdaman ko ung sarili ko, and I was busy admiring the place. Super tahimik. When I was there, I felt safe, and I felt peace. Parang ang gaan-gaan ng pakiramdam ko. Parang walang ibang iniisip na problema. I can't really explain the feeling. Pero ang sarap sa pakiramdam. I want to go back there again. But I don't know how, so magpapasama nalang ulit ako sa kanila. LOL!

Our next stop was SM San Lazaro. Kasi hindi naman nakasama lahat sa St. Pio so dun nalang kami nagkita-kitang lahat. It was super fun hanging out with them. Lagi naman eh. Nakakawala ng pagod kapag nakakasama ko itong mga taong 'to. Si Abby, Karen, Ate Nikka, Princess (kahit hindi siya present ngayon. Huhuhuhu) at si Ate Rhoms. Minsan nga, ay hindi...palagi pala, nakakalimutan namin ang oras dahil super bonding talaga ang nangyayari. Hahahahaha! And as always, ever present si McDo sa aming bonding times. :D

Ahh, pero hindi naman talaga un ang ikukwento ko. Introduction palang yan. Ang ikli no? :p Eto na talaga. Ang journey ko pauwi. :3

Nagpapaalamanan na kami nun sa labas ng SM San Lazaro, the usual paalamanan...beso tapos yakap, ganun. Hinuli ko talagang yakapin si birthday girl para may drama. Chos! Pero nakakainis lang kasi naiyak ako. Bakit?!? Kasi habang yakap ko siya, may bigla akong naalala na something. At mababaw din kasi ang luha ko. Kaya ayun naiyak ako ng slight. Nakaka-touch kasi pilit nila akong pinapatawa habang umiiyak ako. Thank you, girls! I love you ng hard! :) <3 Tapos ayun na naka-recover na ako sa pag-iyak, go na sa sakayan ng LRT papunta sa Buendia.

Nakasakay na ako sa LRT at medyo confused na ako kung saan akong station bababa. Kaya nagtanong na ako sa isang pasahero. BTW, natanong ko na pala kay Karen kung saang station ako bababa, nakalimutan ko lang talaga. Eng-eng lang diba? LOL! Habang nakasakay ako sa bus, biglang bumuhos ang napakalakas na ulan at may kulog at kidlat pa. Takot ako sa kidlat kaya napapapikit ako tuwing nakakakita ako nun, nakakatakot talaga pramis! Nung umandar na ung bus, at nakapaningil na ng fare ung konduktor, naisipan kong basahin ung letter na binigay sakin, parang tanga lang kasi napapatawa ako sa bus, siguro iniisip nung mga nakakakita sakin na baliw ako. LOL! Pagkatapos kong basahin ung letter, I decided to read Dark Hunter, si Julian of Macedon and his oh so.....stop it, Majh! HAHAHAHA! Pampalipas oras. Since wala naman akong makita sa labas ng bintana dahil nga maulan at gabi na. Super worth it ang pagbabasa ko kay Julian. Muntik pa nga akong lumampas dahil engrossed na engrossed ako sa pagbabasa ng story niya. Buti nalang ni-remind ako ng konduktor na bababa na ako. Thank you, Kuya! :D

That's all. Thank you. *bows*

Fourteenth

So today is the fourteenth day of the month. Eh ano naman? Wala naman. Gusto ko lang mag-blog. I just want to blog(?) this feeling. This stupid feeling I get every fourteenth day of the month. No, I'm not heartbroken. It's just that....it's our monthsary, my best friends and I. We used to celebrate this then, every month, fourteenth day of the month to be exact, we find time to see each other and catch up on things. It's sort of a "tradition". But now....I don't know anymore. T__T

I think this "tradition" ended when I left them. That's right. I left. Due to certain issues that only time would maybe heal(?) make us forget...make us cool down. Since then I blamed myself for the loss of our friendship. I tried to bring back the friendship. To patch things up. I thought we were okay. But I guess were not. The friendship's lost and I don't know if I could still bring it back. I admit, I already gave up. I already stopped trying to make an effort to see them. To have communication with them. I'm not saying that this is their fault. It's my fault.

Kasalanan ko ito. I can't help not to blame myself. Kasi feeling ko sakin nagsimula ito. Hindi ko maiwasang hindi isipin na kung hindi ako umalis. Na kung hindi ako lumayo sa kanila...ay buo parin ang pagkakaibigan namin, na walang magbabago, at kung meron man ay konting-konti lang and it will be for the better. Akala ko nung nag-usap-usap na kami ay okay na ang lahat. Pero hindi pala. Iba pala ung sinasabi talaga sa ipinapakita. Actions really speak louder than words. Kasi damang-dama ko na may napaka-kapal at napaka-laking invisible wall sa pagitan namin. Masakit. Sobrang sakit. Ung tipong may pinag-uusapan sila at hindi ka nakaka-relate kasi iba ung school na pinasukan mo sa pinasukan nila...ung tina-try mong sumali sa usapan pero sa huli mananahimik ka nalang kasi kahit anong gawin mo hindi ka makaka-relate. Tapos kapag tahimik ka iisipin nila na hindi mo sila gustong kasama. What the eff?!

Kaya minsan nakakawalang-gana na makipag-kita sa kanila eh. Hindi ko na sila maintindihan. It's like the people I used to know were already gone. *sighs* Kaya ayokong nagfo-fourteenth eh. Ganito ung feeling. Magulo. Masakit. Nakakaiyak. Nakaka-frustrate. Nakakapanghinayang. At marami pang iba. Basta I feel negativity. I want to be numb...kahit ngayon lang please? :|

Introducing Me

This blog post is inspired from the song I overheard my brother playing via his cell phone. And from then on, I got hooked into the song. From the melody, lyrics, beats...and everything. I love this song. Here's the chorus part:

If you wanna know, here it goes
Gonna tell you this the part of me that shows
If you're close I'm gonna let you see everything
But remember that you asked for it
I'll try to do my best to impress
But it's easier to let you take a guess at the rest
But you wanna hear what lives in my brain,
My heart, well you asked for it
For you're perusing, at times confusing,
slightly/possibly/hopefully amusing...
INTRODUCING ME.

Who am I? I've been asking that same question countless of times and I still don't know the answer. Okay, maybe I know a little bit of who I really am but it's still not enough. I want to find my place in this world. A place where I belong. A place where I can be myself. A place where I fit in. Somewhere na hindi ko kailangang ipagpilitan ang sarili ko. Where is that place? Does it even exist? And are there people there who are willing to accept me with open arms...flaws and all? *sighs* Wishful thinking again.

To my family, if you ask them to describe me in one word, they would all say that I'm suplada...mataray...moody...snob..etc. To my friends, if you ask them the same question, they would answer you with masayahin...laging nakatawa...bungisngis...etc. You see, both descriptions are true. My attitude are on the extremes. Bipolar ako eh. My family knows me as "mataray," yes, I admit, I am mataray lalo na pag ayaw kong magsalita tapos sila daldal ng daldal. What am I gonna do? Eh sa wala ako sa mood makipag-usap. Kaya nagugulat sila pag nakikita nila akong nakatawa or nakangiti. They would always tease me when that happens. Kasi minsan lang nila ako mabiro so siguro sinasamantala na nila. LOL! Anyways, my friends' descriptions are also true, kaya minsan nagugulat sila pag tahimik ako. They're afraid to talk to me when I'm quiet. Nakakatakot daw kasi ako. Hahahaha! Sa liit kong ito, at sa tangkad ng mga kaibigan ko, sila pa ang natatakot sakin. I asked them why they're afraid of me when I'm quiet. And one of them answered, "Kasi masyado kang seryoso. Iba ung aura mo. Hindi kami sanay na nakikita kang seryoso. Parang hindi bagay sayo. Parang hindi ikaw." And all I could say was, "Aahh" then I smiled.

Mahirap din pala no? It's hard to pretend to be somebody that you're not. Hindi naman talaga ako mataray sa family ko. It's just that, nahihiya lang akong mag-reach out sa kanila. I mean, hindi naman kasi kami super close ng mga cousins ko, and hindi din kasi ako maka-relate sa topics nila age gap siguro, so I chose to just shut up whenever they talk about stuff. At namimis-interpret nila un sa pagiging mataray. That's why most of the times, I prefer to be with my friends specifically my college barkada, kasi sa kanila nakaka-relate ako. I can laugh as loud and as hard as I could and they would laugh with me. I could cry on one of their shoulders and they would cry with me, harder. Hindi man ganun karami ang mga kaibigan ko, at least I know that they are true. And I love every single one of them equally.

Why am I explaining this? LOL! Maybe I just want to have an outlet. I feel so lost. Ngayon lang nangyari ito. And I don't know what to do. I don't know where and who to run to. Because the people who you thought would be there for you when you need them, left...they're out of your reach...or the most painful option is that they don't care about you.

A friend told me this recently, "Kasi may tinatago ka :/ May pinagdadaanan ka. Sinasarili mo lang." I answered her, "Familiar diba? May kilala din akong ganyan eh." I was referring to her with my answer. Cause I know that she is also going through a lot. Much more than what I am going through. What touched me was she is willing to be there for me...to help me, even though she could not help herself. Naiyak ako dun sa thought na handa niya akong damayan. Hindi niya un alam. But when she reads this. I guess she will know. So to my Soldier *winks* I love you. And I'll always be here for you. You know that right? Pero siyempre joke lang 'to. LOL! Fighting, soldier. Okay? Walang susuko :) <3

Goodbye...for now(?)

I tried to stay. I tried to smile and laugh at everything. I TRIED. But, I failed, miserably. *sighs*

"Goodbye means going away. And going away means forgetting." -Unknown

I hate goodbye's. It's a painful word. And I can't see the good in goodbye. Unless of course if you're saying goodbye to a person you dislike.

I'm going away. But I'm not gonna forget everything / anything. I feel lost. I feel alone. Gahd! I want to be numb! Must stop now. I'm just going away. Period.

P.S: I know, this is a selfish rant. Again. Sorry. Can't help it. This is Majh disconnecting from the earth. (Yuck!)

Running Away

So many things are happening right now. Fudge. I don't know how to start this. I've never been good at introduction. Heck! I'll just go straight to the point. My life is a friggin' mess :| And I hate it. The past months I've spent running away from everything, from the problems. Ang lakas ng loob kong payuhan ang isa kong friend na harapin niya ang problema niya at wag takbuhan when I, myself, can't even face my own problems. Damn it! Sa bahay, lagi lang akong tahimik. It's either I watch movies online, read, or sleep. Hindi ako nakikipag-usap masyado sa mga tao dito. Why? I don't even know. Maybe because I feel pressured. I mean, they (my parents) are obligating me to do something that I know I must do. I know my obligations and they don't have to rub it on my face everytime we talk. The pressure is just too much. Even my grandmother assumes things about me. Nakakainis kasi hindi naman ganun. Hindi ko na alam kung saan ako lulugar. Lahat nalang ng ginagawa ko mali. EVERY-FUCKING-THING is wrong. Kuuuuuuu~ -_- Pag wala akong ginawa, mali. Pag may ginawa ako, mali parin. Ano ba talaga? Nakakasawa na. Even my best friend makes me feel that my decisions' wrong. I've been pretending these past few days. Pretending to be happy, pretending that everything's okay, when it is not. Where are you self? I miss you. I miss the girl who's not afraid to face her problems because she knows that everything always has a solution. The bubbly, carefree girl who always laughs and smiles until tears of joy wells in her eyes. Come back please. I badly need you right now. I want to smile again, the true, genuine smile I had. To laugh until my stomach hurts. Maybe she'll come back soon. I hope :)

"I want to be remembered as the girl who always smiles even when her heart is broken and the one that could always brighten up your day even if she couldn't brighten her own." -Unknown (from Tumblr)

Now Playing: Soldier by Before You Exit

R-E-S-P-E-C-T

Gaaaahhh! This is so frustrating. I lost respect for someone whom I looked up to. This certain someone USED to be my idol. But now.......T__T I was so shocked when I found out that that someone could be like that. I cried hard. Yeah. I did. People may think that I'm just overreacting but heck, I don't give a damn. I was hurt by this someone's words...reactions...posts. But I should be thankful, shouldn't I? Cause unlike other people, I was not blind anymore. Not blinded by this someones image. To this someone, hey I exist. LOL! If you or your friends could maybe have the chance to visit my blog, here's my message for you: Thank you for the inspiration you've given me, for making me happy with your works. The thank you list would go on And thank you for showing who you really are. You disappoint the hell out of me. Please stop. Now. Maturity can't really be based on the age of a person. *sighs* My opinion may not matter to you but hell I just want to let this all out. So there.

Talking about respect. I have this group of friends, we talk A LOT about anything. Although we have different opinions about certain issues, we argue, yes, but at the end of the day we're still friends. Why? How come we argue but still continue to be friends? It's because of RESPECT. We respect each other's opinions. We respect each other. Period. I will forever be thankful to this group who welcomed me in their lives. So, to my FRIENDS, you know who you are *winks* thank you for everything. Words and actions are not enough to express how thankful I am for having friends like you. I love you all. Group hug! :) <3 <3 <3

Usapang Pocketbook

Kanina lang 'to nangyari. At hindi ako maka-get-over kay Mama. LOL!

Inaayos ko kasi ung lagayan ko ng pocketbook. Hindi na kasi kasya. At ang iba sa kanila ay nalulukot na dahil sumasabit. Sa drawer ko lang kasi nakalagay ang mga pocketbook. Eh maliit lang un so medyo umaapaw na. -_- And the conversation went like this:

Mama: Alin ba jan ung mga hindi ko pa nababasa?
Me: Hala. Hindi ko alam. Pati ba naman un itatanong mo pa sakin?
Mama: Hindi. Ang ibig kong sabihin ay ung mga bago mong binili na hindi ko pa nababasa.
Me: Wala pa akong bagong nabibili dahil wala nga akong perang pambili.
Mama: *nag-isip* Yung mga binili mo nalang dati na hindi ko pa nababasa. Asan na un?
Me: Mama, hindi ko nga alam kung alin na ang nabasa at hindi mo pa nababasa jan. *tinambak sa harap niya lahat ng pocketbooks* O, ayan, tignan mo nalang kung alin pa ung di mo nababasa.
Mama: *pumipili* Ayusin mo nga yang drawer mo. Ilagay mo nalang kaya sa kahon yang mga pocketbooks mo.
Me: O sige, pahinging kahon.
Mama: Ayusin mo nalang yan jan. Itatapon ko yan.
Me: Edi itapon mo!
Mama: *nakapili na* Eto na lahat.
(Pagkatingin ko, suskopooooo~ kalahati pa ata ng nasa drawer ko ang di niya nababasa. Tapos reklamo ng reklamo na wala na daw siyang babasahin. LOL!)
Me: Ginulo mo nanaman! Aayusin ko nanaman. Tapos magrereklamo ka kapag magulo. Saan ko ilalagay yan? Tsk!
Mama: Ilabas mo nalang jan.
Me: Ayoko! Maalikabukan. (jinojoke ko lang siya)
Mama: Basta ilagay mo lang sa bungad ng drawer mo para alam ko.
Me: Tsk! Inayos ko na nga yan. Sa likod ko ilalagay yan. (Nang-aasar)
Mama: O sige. Sige. Doon mo nalang yan ilagay sa isang cabinet.
Me: *nagningning ang mata* (i swear feeling ko nagningning talaga ang mata ko nung nadinig ko na bibigyan niya ako ng bagong space na paglalagyan ng pocketbooks ko. LOL!) Alisin mo na lahat ng nakalagay dun.
Mama: Bukas na. Magbabasa muna ako.
Me: YES! May bago na akong lalagyan na matino! :D
(At si Mama, ayun, busy na sa pagbabasa ng pocketbook. Mahirap istorbohin 'yan pag nagbabasa. Pag kinausap mo siya habang nagbabasa, after ten tawsan years ka pa niya sasagutin. At kung minsan pag sinuswerte ka, hindi ka talaga niya kakausapin. HAHAHAHAHA!)

Ayun. Nonsense nanaman. Ang gusto ko lang namang sabihin ay may bagong lalagyan na ang pocketbooks ko! Manuhay! Yay! Parteeeeyyyy! <3