This blog post is inspired from the song I overheard my brother playing via his cell phone. And from then on, I got hooked into the song. From the melody, lyrics, beats...and everything. I love this song. Here's the chorus part:
If you wanna know, here it goes
Gonna tell you this the part of me that shows
If you're close I'm gonna let you see everything
But remember that you asked for it
I'll try to do my best to impress
But it's easier to let you take a guess at the rest
But you wanna hear what lives in my brain,
My heart, well you asked for it
For you're perusing, at times confusing,
slightly/possibly/hopefully amusing...
INTRODUCING ME.
Who am I? I've been asking that same question countless of times and I still don't know the answer. Okay, maybe I know a little bit of who I really am but it's still not enough. I want to find my place in this world. A place where I belong. A place where I can be myself. A place where I fit in. Somewhere na hindi ko kailangang ipagpilitan ang sarili ko. Where is that place? Does it even exist? And are there people there who are willing to accept me with open arms...flaws and all? *sighs* Wishful thinking again.
To my family, if you ask them to describe me in one word, they would all say that I'm suplada...mataray...moody...snob..etc. To my friends, if you ask them the same question, they would answer you with masayahin...laging nakatawa...bungisngis...etc. You see, both descriptions are true. My attitude are on the extremes. Bipolar ako eh. My family knows me as "mataray," yes, I admit, I am mataray lalo na pag ayaw kong magsalita tapos sila daldal ng daldal. What am I gonna do? Eh sa wala ako sa mood makipag-usap. Kaya nagugulat sila pag nakikita nila akong nakatawa or nakangiti. They would always tease me when that happens. Kasi minsan lang nila ako mabiro so siguro sinasamantala na nila. LOL! Anyways, my friends' descriptions are also true, kaya minsan nagugulat sila pag tahimik ako. They're afraid to talk to me when I'm quiet. Nakakatakot daw kasi ako. Hahahaha! Sa liit kong ito, at sa tangkad ng mga kaibigan ko, sila pa ang natatakot sakin. I asked them why they're afraid of me when I'm quiet. And one of them answered, "Kasi masyado kang seryoso. Iba ung aura mo. Hindi kami sanay na nakikita kang seryoso. Parang hindi bagay sayo. Parang hindi ikaw." And all I could say was, "Aahh" then I smiled.
Mahirap din pala no? It's hard to pretend to be somebody that you're not. Hindi naman talaga ako mataray sa family ko. It's just that, nahihiya lang akong mag-reach out sa kanila. I mean, hindi naman kasi kami super close ng mga cousins ko, and hindi din kasi ako maka-relate sa topics nila age gap siguro, so I chose to just shut up whenever they talk about stuff. At namimis-interpret nila un sa pagiging mataray. That's why most of the times, I prefer to be with my friends specifically my college barkada, kasi sa kanila nakaka-relate ako. I can laugh as loud and as hard as I could and they would laugh with me. I could cry on one of their shoulders and they would cry with me, harder. Hindi man ganun karami ang mga kaibigan ko, at least I know that they are true. And I love every single one of them equally.
Why am I explaining this? LOL! Maybe I just want to have an outlet. I feel so lost. Ngayon lang nangyari ito. And I don't know what to do. I don't know where and who to run to. Because the people who you thought would be there for you when you need them, left...they're out of your reach...or the most painful option is that they don't care about you.
A friend told me this recently, "Kasi may tinatago ka :/ May pinagdadaanan ka. Sinasarili mo lang." I answered her, "Familiar diba? May kilala din akong ganyan eh." I was referring to her with my answer. Cause I know that she is also going through a lot. Much more than what I am going through. What touched me was she is willing to be there for me...to help me, even though she could not help herself. Naiyak ako dun sa thought na handa niya akong damayan. Hindi niya un alam. But when she reads this. I guess she will know. So to my Soldier *winks* I love you. And I'll always be here for you. You know that right? Pero siyempre joke lang 'to. LOL! Fighting, soldier. Okay? Walang susuko :) <3
