Happy (?) New Year

Everybody's happy. I think. LOL! Everybody's celebrating because of this holiday we call New Year. Well me? Psh! I just want to sleep this off if I could. But I can't because its too noisy!

I want to be happy. I really do. I want to be happy and welcome 2014 with a smile. BUT I CAN'T! I miss my grandmother so much. This is the first new year without her. And it hurts so much that I can't help to not cry. After we attended mass I just went upstairs and busied myself. I tried reading. Failed. I tried playing games on my tablet. Failed. I tried listening to BYE's songs. Worked a bit. I tried listening to Super Junior songs and the speaker was on full blast. It also worked a bit. I tried doing these things that usually make me happy or lighten up my mood but it didn't. Nothing made me happy. Nothing lightened up my mood.

I just want to cry. I've been missing my grandmother so much since my birthday. All my life she has been there for my birthday and now she's not. A month after my birthday, her birthday came. We celebrated her birthday at the cemetery. Well, not really celebrated because I know that behind the smiles of each member of our family, we're hurting. This is also the first Christmas without her. We just attended mass and after that I slept literally the entire day just so that I could escape from this feeling. And now here comes New Year. I wanted to do the same thing I did last Christmas but it's impossible.

I was willing to spend my birthday, her birthday, Christmas, and New Year inside a hospital room just to be with her. And it's a big thing for me. Not many people know that I'm afraid of hospitals. I cringe even looking at one. AND I WAS WILLING TO SPEND THOSE OCASSIONS IN A HOSPITAL ROOM TO BE WITH HER. Gah! I miss you so much, Nanay. I just wish you were here and I won't care if we were in a hospital room as long as you are here. Alive.

Ah, the tears are coming again. Oh wait, they never left didn't they? :)

I WISH EVERYONE A HAPPY NEW YEAR. I REALLY DO! :)

Uncertain

Natatakot ako sa future ko....sa mangyayari bukas. Hindi ko alam kung anong mangyayari. Lahat gusto ko naka-plano. Para handa ako sa magiging outcome. Pero eto....ugh! Ang hirap manghula. LOL! Nakakainis na nakaka-frustrate. Malapit na akong mawalan ng trabaho. Okay lang naman un sa'kin eh. Makakapagpahinga ulit ako. But the question is kung okay lang din ba un sa mga magulang ko? Lagi nalang akong nape-pressure. Specially si Mama. Lagi niya akong pinupush. Masyado silang nag-e-expect sa'kin. Nakakapagod kaya na i-please sila. Hindi na ako ito. Hindi ko na kilala sarili ko. Robot na ata tingin nila sa'kin eh. Galing sa trabaho...2 days na nga lang ang rest day --na minsan ay nagiging isang araw nalang-- tapos kung ano ano pang iniuutos sa'kin na kaya naman nilang gawin. Hello?! I deserve a break! Don't I? -_- Tapos kasalanan ko pa kung di ko magagawa ung pinagagawa nila? Bullshit! Nakakapagod! Okay so nag-rant nanaman ako -_-

Marami silang pinaplano para sa'kin. Sila meaning my family. Alam ko gusto nila ung best para sa'kin pero naman! Bakit ako nalang palagi? Bakit feeling ko ayaw nila akong tulungan? Ako ung pinag-uusapan...ung future ko...pero bakit hindi ako kasali sa usapan? Bakit hindi ako kasali sa paggawa ng desisyon? WALA BA AKONG KARAPATAN SA BUHAY KO?! Etong trabaho ko...sa totoo lang after graduation ayaw ko pa sanang mag-trabaho. Pero since lahat nalang sila ine-expect akong magka-trabaho...pinu-push akong mag-trabaho eto ang resulta...nagka-trabaho ako. Gusto  ko naman ung work ko eh...minsan. LOL!

Nag-decide sila na ipadala ako sa Canada. Nag-usap-usap sila without my knowledge. Ayaw ko dun dahil feeling ko ipapatapon nila ako dun. LOL! Strict pa naman ung mga Tita ko na nadun. Shit! Ayoko nun! Ayoko ng ganun! Ayoko dun! Pumayag na nga ako na ipadala nila ako sa Dubai tapos ngayon Canada naman. Taena! Tama na! Wuuu! Tapos pakukuhanin pa ako ng course na ayaw ko para daw maging "ticket" ko un papuntang Canada. Nakaka-sawang sumunod nang sumunod. Nakakasawang maging robot. Ayaw ko na. Nakaka-pagod.

Errr. Ewan. Magsaksak nalang kaya ako? :)) Ah, sana Sabado nalang ulit! Eksayted na meeee :)) Bipolar much? LOL! Walang ka-kwenta-kwenta itong post na ito. XD