Everybody's happy. I think. LOL! Everybody's celebrating because of this holiday we call New Year. Well me? Psh! I just want to sleep this off if I could. But I can't because its too noisy!
I want to be happy. I really do. I want to be happy and welcome 2014 with a smile. BUT I CAN'T! I miss my grandmother so much. This is the first new year without her. And it hurts so much that I can't help to not cry. After we attended mass I just went upstairs and busied myself. I tried reading. Failed. I tried playing games on my tablet. Failed. I tried listening to BYE's songs. Worked a bit. I tried listening to Super Junior songs and the speaker was on full blast. It also worked a bit. I tried doing these things that usually make me happy or lighten up my mood but it didn't. Nothing made me happy. Nothing lightened up my mood.
I just want to cry. I've been missing my grandmother so much since my birthday. All my life she has been there for my birthday and now she's not. A month after my birthday, her birthday came. We celebrated her birthday at the cemetery. Well, not really celebrated because I know that behind the smiles of each member of our family, we're hurting. This is also the first Christmas without her. We just attended mass and after that I slept literally the entire day just so that I could escape from this feeling. And now here comes New Year. I wanted to do the same thing I did last Christmas but it's impossible.
I was willing to spend my birthday, her birthday, Christmas, and New Year inside a hospital room just to be with her. And it's a big thing for me. Not many people know that I'm afraid of hospitals. I cringe even looking at one. AND I WAS WILLING TO SPEND THOSE OCASSIONS IN A HOSPITAL ROOM TO BE WITH HER. Gah! I miss you so much, Nanay. I just wish you were here and I won't care if we were in a hospital room as long as you are here. Alive.
Ah, the tears are coming again. Oh wait, they never left didn't they? :)
I WISH EVERYONE A HAPPY NEW YEAR. I REALLY DO! :)
