Dear Grandma

You taught me things that I never thought I was capable of doing. Things that I will forever be grateful that you instilled in me. Even though most of the time we argue about your eating habit, you should always remember that you were never a burden to me. Thank you for bearing with me everytime I lose my patience. Thank you for making me laugh because of yoir crazy antics. Thank you for the love you showed me and made me feel. And most of all, thank you for coming into my life. I know one day you'll leave us. Probably sooner than I thought you would. I AM SCARED. I'm scared that one day, I'll wake up knowing you're gone. But while you are still here, please teach me how to be strong enough to let you go, 'cause I will never be strong enough to do so. I love you, 'Nay!

TOO FAST. pause.

Well hello. I was never good at introductions so let's skip that part 'kay? Everything in my life is happening so fast right now. The truth is ayaw ko munang tapusin sana ang pag-aaral ko because I know na kapag natapos na ako, aayusin nalang ang mga necessary documents then I'm gonna go to Dubai na. Everyday is a struggle to convince myself to leave this country, because leaving this country means that I'm gonna be leaving my loved ones. Weeks ago I thought that I've finally convinced myself to leave, well guess what? I thought it wrong. Akala ko nauto ko na sarili ko. Kasi habang palapit na ng palapit ang pagtatapos ko, eh natatakot ako. Masyado akong torn ngayon. I don't wamna leave this country kasi ayaw kong iwan si Tatay, ever since kasi na namatay si Nanay, nag-promise ako sa sarili ko to be the best apo that Tatay deserves, ayaw ko siyang iwan kasi ayaw kong maramdaman niya na nag-iisa siya. Ayaw kong iwan si Papa, kasi Papa's girl ako. Un lang ung rason. Hahahaha! Ayokong iwan ung kapatid ko kasi gusto ko mapupuntahan ko agad siya if ever he needs me. He'll always be my baby brother kahit ma mas matangkad pa siya kaysa sa'kin. Ayoko din iwan ang friends ko. Gahd. Iilan na nga lang sila tapos iiwan ko pa sila?! Especially now na may nangyayaring maganda sa career ng isa kong friend. Nakakaiyak. Hahahaha! Everyday is a struggle to smile, to be happy. Ang pakonswelo ko lang naman sa pagpunta ko doon ay finally makakasama ko na si Mama tsaka ung pamangkin ko. I'll probably find a decent job and help my parents finamcially. Gusto ko un. Gustong-gusto. Pero... Wala pang definite date ang pag-alis ko. Pero alam mo ung pakiramdam na sobrang lapit na? Na isang araw magigising nalang ako na aalis na pala ako. That's how I feel every-friggin-day. Life. I'm just wondering, mayroon kaya doon nung gusto kong coffee? Hahahahaha! Smile, self. Make the most out of your stay here. Be happy while you're here. Spend as much time as possible with your family and friends. I'm gonna miss you.

That Does It

Nakakapagod. *sighs* napapagod na akong umintindi tapos sa huli ako parin ang lalabas na masama. Siguro time na para maging selfish ako. Maybe I'm holding on to this friendship to tight. Maybe I'm the only one who's fighting. Sana sila naman ang gumawa ng step para maging okay kami. Alam ko hindi na kami magiging katulad ng dati but I hope we can be better than we were before. Makaramdam naman kayo aba. Napapagod na ako. Ayokong sumuko. Magpapahinga lang siguro ako. Effort. 'yun lang naman. I miss you! I miss the way we were before. Alam ko hindi ako perpekto. Napakarami kong short-comings. SORRY! Napapagod nalang talaga akong unawain ang ugali ninyo. Parang hindi ko na kayo kilala eh. Parang ibang tao na kayo. Nakaka-disappoint lang na hindi natin napanindigan 'yong promise natin sa isa't isa. So much for seven years of being friends huh? Another rant. Gusto ko kong ilabas 'to. Sorry.