Dear Grandma

You taught me things that I never thought I was capable of doing. Things that I will forever be grateful that you instilled in me. Even though most of the time we argue about your eating habit, you should always remember that you were never a burden to me. Thank you for bearing with me everytime I lose my patience. Thank you for making me laugh because of yoir crazy antics. Thank you for the love you showed me and made me feel. And most of all, thank you for coming into my life. I know one day you'll leave us. Probably sooner than I thought you would. I AM SCARED. I'm scared that one day, I'll wake up knowing you're gone. But while you are still here, please teach me how to be strong enough to let you go, 'cause I will never be strong enough to do so. I love you, 'Nay!

TOO FAST. pause.

Well hello. I was never good at introductions so let's skip that part 'kay? Everything in my life is happening so fast right now. The truth is ayaw ko munang tapusin sana ang pag-aaral ko because I know na kapag natapos na ako, aayusin nalang ang mga necessary documents then I'm gonna go to Dubai na. Everyday is a struggle to convince myself to leave this country, because leaving this country means that I'm gonna be leaving my loved ones. Weeks ago I thought that I've finally convinced myself to leave, well guess what? I thought it wrong. Akala ko nauto ko na sarili ko. Kasi habang palapit na ng palapit ang pagtatapos ko, eh natatakot ako. Masyado akong torn ngayon. I don't wamna leave this country kasi ayaw kong iwan si Tatay, ever since kasi na namatay si Nanay, nag-promise ako sa sarili ko to be the best apo that Tatay deserves, ayaw ko siyang iwan kasi ayaw kong maramdaman niya na nag-iisa siya. Ayaw kong iwan si Papa, kasi Papa's girl ako. Un lang ung rason. Hahahaha! Ayokong iwan ung kapatid ko kasi gusto ko mapupuntahan ko agad siya if ever he needs me. He'll always be my baby brother kahit ma mas matangkad pa siya kaysa sa'kin. Ayoko din iwan ang friends ko. Gahd. Iilan na nga lang sila tapos iiwan ko pa sila?! Especially now na may nangyayaring maganda sa career ng isa kong friend. Nakakaiyak. Hahahaha! Everyday is a struggle to smile, to be happy. Ang pakonswelo ko lang naman sa pagpunta ko doon ay finally makakasama ko na si Mama tsaka ung pamangkin ko. I'll probably find a decent job and help my parents finamcially. Gusto ko un. Gustong-gusto. Pero... Wala pang definite date ang pag-alis ko. Pero alam mo ung pakiramdam na sobrang lapit na? Na isang araw magigising nalang ako na aalis na pala ako. That's how I feel every-friggin-day. Life. I'm just wondering, mayroon kaya doon nung gusto kong coffee? Hahahahaha! Smile, self. Make the most out of your stay here. Be happy while you're here. Spend as much time as possible with your family and friends. I'm gonna miss you.

That Does It

Nakakapagod. *sighs* napapagod na akong umintindi tapos sa huli ako parin ang lalabas na masama. Siguro time na para maging selfish ako. Maybe I'm holding on to this friendship to tight. Maybe I'm the only one who's fighting. Sana sila naman ang gumawa ng step para maging okay kami. Alam ko hindi na kami magiging katulad ng dati but I hope we can be better than we were before. Makaramdam naman kayo aba. Napapagod na ako. Ayokong sumuko. Magpapahinga lang siguro ako. Effort. 'yun lang naman. I miss you! I miss the way we were before. Alam ko hindi ako perpekto. Napakarami kong short-comings. SORRY! Napapagod nalang talaga akong unawain ang ugali ninyo. Parang hindi ko na kayo kilala eh. Parang ibang tao na kayo. Nakaka-disappoint lang na hindi natin napanindigan 'yong promise natin sa isa't isa. So much for seven years of being friends huh? Another rant. Gusto ko kong ilabas 'to. Sorry.

Happy (?) New Year

Everybody's happy. I think. LOL! Everybody's celebrating because of this holiday we call New Year. Well me? Psh! I just want to sleep this off if I could. But I can't because its too noisy!

I want to be happy. I really do. I want to be happy and welcome 2014 with a smile. BUT I CAN'T! I miss my grandmother so much. This is the first new year without her. And it hurts so much that I can't help to not cry. After we attended mass I just went upstairs and busied myself. I tried reading. Failed. I tried playing games on my tablet. Failed. I tried listening to BYE's songs. Worked a bit. I tried listening to Super Junior songs and the speaker was on full blast. It also worked a bit. I tried doing these things that usually make me happy or lighten up my mood but it didn't. Nothing made me happy. Nothing lightened up my mood.

I just want to cry. I've been missing my grandmother so much since my birthday. All my life she has been there for my birthday and now she's not. A month after my birthday, her birthday came. We celebrated her birthday at the cemetery. Well, not really celebrated because I know that behind the smiles of each member of our family, we're hurting. This is also the first Christmas without her. We just attended mass and after that I slept literally the entire day just so that I could escape from this feeling. And now here comes New Year. I wanted to do the same thing I did last Christmas but it's impossible.

I was willing to spend my birthday, her birthday, Christmas, and New Year inside a hospital room just to be with her. And it's a big thing for me. Not many people know that I'm afraid of hospitals. I cringe even looking at one. AND I WAS WILLING TO SPEND THOSE OCASSIONS IN A HOSPITAL ROOM TO BE WITH HER. Gah! I miss you so much, Nanay. I just wish you were here and I won't care if we were in a hospital room as long as you are here. Alive.

Ah, the tears are coming again. Oh wait, they never left didn't they? :)

I WISH EVERYONE A HAPPY NEW YEAR. I REALLY DO! :)

Uncertain

Natatakot ako sa future ko....sa mangyayari bukas. Hindi ko alam kung anong mangyayari. Lahat gusto ko naka-plano. Para handa ako sa magiging outcome. Pero eto....ugh! Ang hirap manghula. LOL! Nakakainis na nakaka-frustrate. Malapit na akong mawalan ng trabaho. Okay lang naman un sa'kin eh. Makakapagpahinga ulit ako. But the question is kung okay lang din ba un sa mga magulang ko? Lagi nalang akong nape-pressure. Specially si Mama. Lagi niya akong pinupush. Masyado silang nag-e-expect sa'kin. Nakakapagod kaya na i-please sila. Hindi na ako ito. Hindi ko na kilala sarili ko. Robot na ata tingin nila sa'kin eh. Galing sa trabaho...2 days na nga lang ang rest day --na minsan ay nagiging isang araw nalang-- tapos kung ano ano pang iniuutos sa'kin na kaya naman nilang gawin. Hello?! I deserve a break! Don't I? -_- Tapos kasalanan ko pa kung di ko magagawa ung pinagagawa nila? Bullshit! Nakakapagod! Okay so nag-rant nanaman ako -_-

Marami silang pinaplano para sa'kin. Sila meaning my family. Alam ko gusto nila ung best para sa'kin pero naman! Bakit ako nalang palagi? Bakit feeling ko ayaw nila akong tulungan? Ako ung pinag-uusapan...ung future ko...pero bakit hindi ako kasali sa usapan? Bakit hindi ako kasali sa paggawa ng desisyon? WALA BA AKONG KARAPATAN SA BUHAY KO?! Etong trabaho ko...sa totoo lang after graduation ayaw ko pa sanang mag-trabaho. Pero since lahat nalang sila ine-expect akong magka-trabaho...pinu-push akong mag-trabaho eto ang resulta...nagka-trabaho ako. Gusto  ko naman ung work ko eh...minsan. LOL!

Nag-decide sila na ipadala ako sa Canada. Nag-usap-usap sila without my knowledge. Ayaw ko dun dahil feeling ko ipapatapon nila ako dun. LOL! Strict pa naman ung mga Tita ko na nadun. Shit! Ayoko nun! Ayoko ng ganun! Ayoko dun! Pumayag na nga ako na ipadala nila ako sa Dubai tapos ngayon Canada naman. Taena! Tama na! Wuuu! Tapos pakukuhanin pa ako ng course na ayaw ko para daw maging "ticket" ko un papuntang Canada. Nakaka-sawang sumunod nang sumunod. Nakakasawang maging robot. Ayaw ko na. Nakaka-pagod.

Errr. Ewan. Magsaksak nalang kaya ako? :)) Ah, sana Sabado nalang ulit! Eksayted na meeee :)) Bipolar much? LOL! Walang ka-kwenta-kwenta itong post na ito. XD

Isang Kadramahan

There's always a first for something right? Itong first na tinutukoy ko dito ay ang first time na pupunta kami (errr sila lang pala since may pasok ako sa work) sa sementeryo para dalawin si Nanay. *sighs*

Everyday, I wish that this was all just a dream...a nightmare. Na sana buhay pa siya at nag-aantay na dalawin namin siya sa ospital (YES! Damn it! Pupunta ako sa ospital if that would mean that she will still live).

Ah shit! Ang dami kong gustong sabihin dito sa blog pero ayoko nang pahabain kasi iiyak nanaman ako ng wagas -_-

Hi! Nanay, I miss you. So much. I wish I could hug you right now. Kahit sa panaginip lang, 'Nay. Gustong-gusto kong natutulog palagi kasi dun buhay ka. Kasi dun nakaka-usap kita. Kahit na panay ngiti at pagtango lang ung ginagawa mo kapag nag-uusap tayo. At least diba dun buhay ka? I'm trying, 'Nay. I really am. I'm trying not to cry and be strong para sa kanila tulad ng sinabi mo sa'kin. Pero hindi ko kaya eh. Hindi ko pa kaya. Hanggang dito nalang muna ulit ha? I love you, Nanay! :*

*cries hard*

Forty Days

Today is my grandmother's 40th day of being gone. My family went to Manila last Sunday to visit her and they ate dinner together. As in my WHOLE FAMILY was there. Except for me though. I wanted to spend this 40th day of her alone. I wanted to be alone. I don't want to pretend in front of my family that I'm not hurting. Because I am. So much. I just miss you so much, Nanay. Tsaka ang dami kong gustong sabihin at i-kwento sa'yo. This blog post is for you, Nay :)

Nanay,

For starters, alam mo ba, Nay, nag-OT ulit ako. Kasi ayokong umuwi agad sa bahay  kasi iiyak nga lang ako. Everytime I remember you, at first I smile, pero habang tumatagal napapaiyak nalang ako. I wish you were here. Still alive. Ni hindi mo man lang makikita ung grad pic ko. Hindi ko man lang makikita ung reaction mo pag nakita mo un. Kukuhanin ko palang siya sa school sa Friday. At gusto ko ikaw ang unang makakakita nun. Pero pa'no? You're not here anymore. T__T

Third birthday na ni Dahlia. Excited ka pa naman na i-celebrate un diba? Lagi ka nalang tuwang-tuwa pag magbi-birthday na siya. Hinahanap ka niya palagi. Tapos pag tinatanong ko siya kung nasaan ka, ang isasagot niya sa'kin, "Andun. Sa Manila." Ang kulit-kulit na niya. At sobrang daldal. :)

Hmmmm. Ano pa ba? Ayokong masyadong pahabain 'to. Magiging rant lang 'to eh. Pero, Nay, I miss you so much. And I love you. Visit me in my dreams ONLY okay? :) Please look after Tatay. Wala naman ako palagi sa tabi niya eh. I'll see you soon, Nay! (Pag natutunan ko nang pumunta mag-isa sa kinaroroonan mo :p)